Life update + An exercise in staying calm

I wanted to do this life catch up with all of you because It has been a while since I made a post and A LOT has happened.

First of all….We just bought our first house which we couldn’t be more excited about - It is in Beverly Hills, it’s simply gorgeous and little Vivienne school is a three minute walk away. It’s the cutest neighborhood and it really just feels like we were meant to live here. We are all also getting excited for our first family vacation to Maui - to the same place James and I went for our baby moon so it is super special. I can’t wait for all of the sunshine, warm ocean water and especially the cute outfits I have planned for Viv. The little goddess just celebrated her 18 month half birthday and I swear to god she is almost a teenager.

You see there is so much to be grateful for that I sometimes feel ashamed to expose the not to great things.

I think to myself who the hell am I to complain when I have such a blessed life. I know there are people with far worse problems and I also try to be the positive person in the room no matter what the circumstances. Which is why I hope this will be received for what it is, just a girl trying to share her own experience, and not like some girl complaining when she has no right to be.

So here goes -

For the last year or so I just have not felt like myself. I’ve had severe mood swings, emotional highs and lows, excruciating anxiety to the point of paranoia and hypochondria. My fingers, hands and feet have been severely cramping to the point I couldn’t even use my phone, my eyes have been dry and itchy, migraine headaches and in general my body has been weak and fatigued, making even simple tasks challenging.

Because I have had an abnormally stressful year with the complications of my c-section, an emotional journey with breast-feeding that ended up being 6 months of exclusively pumping and now my mother falling ill to terminal cancer - I tried to write this all off to stress.

I have always been a very anxious girl and thought maybe this was just the worst I have ever been but even with such things as meditation and massages, journaling, going to bed early and working out regularly nothing was working in fact it was only getting worse.

After trying and trying and trying to get myself together and start doing the things I love: health coaching, teaching fitness and working on the Going For Goddess brand I really starting hitting a rock bottom. I felt so scared by my symptoms and kept beating myself up for never being able to make my dreams happen. I was so depressed and confused- where did the old Candice go? The girl that could make anything happen and overcome any obstacle. I didn't even know who I was anymore and I was completely breaking down.

At one point last week I was so scared that I was dying I bawled my eyes out on the bathroom floor begging god to let me live so I could raise my daughter and that same evening I sobbed uncontrollably convincing my husband that I had MS. The tension and fatigue in my body was so bad I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even pick up a glass of water - it was terrifying.

The next day I called my doctor and requested an appointment as soon as possible. I had already visited her in January for these symptoms but she only ran basic blood work and it all came back normal. We chalked it up to anxiety and I left with a bottle of Ativan but after months of the same symptoms only worsening I just knew something was really wrong with my body so I went back to see her only this time much more concerned.

I explained to her again my symtoms: pounding heart, short on breath, irregular periods, anxiety, tremors, eye pain, extreme weakness, muscle cramps, mood swings, headaches.

She was very kind and agreed we needed to do a more thorough blood panel and she also gave me a neurologist to speak with in case it was something like that. This time I left feeling a bit better because I knew I was going to get answers one way or another even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. We were all in on getting to the bottom of this once and for all.

When she called me the next day and told me I had tested for hyperthyroid I was totally shocked, then relieved and then scared.

My mother and grandma both have hypothyroid (underactuve) so I have always assumed I was eventually going to get that. I never imagined or knew that genetically the disease can show up as overactive in a family line.

Then I was relieved. Relieved to know that I wasn’t crazy, that something really is off in my body and of course thank god it is nothing worse like I was thinking before.

But as the day went on I became really scared of what this all means for me. I have done lots of research online and the treatments all sound bleak, very unnatural and even after all of the things they can do it seems you usually end up with hypothyroid anyway. This was going to be a long game.

Now many of you know two things about me.

I am super holistic and organic and that I suffered from bulimia and anorexia for over 10 years. I have to say I am feeling very uneasy to imagine things like radioactive iodine and other synthetic drugs that could result in my body gaining weight that I have no ability to lose because my thyroid is not capable. So much of my previous addictions were based around the need to feel in control in a world that was full of chaos - this feels like the first time in my life that I am being forced to surrender and at the moment it is suffocating me.

I am scared and I am terrified but I am also a mother to the most precious little girl and that gives me strength. I will have to find a way to do what it takes and role model to her how to handle this situation with grace.

I am an all in kind of girl so now that I have a diagnosis I will be dedicating myself to healing and getting my life back - there will be bumps in the road I am sure but I have to keep going.

I will seek out and implement absolutely any and all holistic therapies, modalities, eating plans, meditations, anything I can and I will try my hardest to not let this defeat me or take away from what is most important to me. My family and my quality of life.

When I decided I was going to share this with you all I titled it ‘An exercise is remaining calm’ I believe in some weird way this had to happen to me to help me realize how high stress I have been running for far too long and how I just have to find a way to no longer live that way. So many auto immune diseases are triggered via stress and the thought of that makes me take it very serious. I also believe it was an opportunity for me to begin sharing again, sharing about my passion health and our ability to overcome any obstacles. Even if it comes from a negative place I want to some how see the purpose in all of this.

I also felt compelled more than anything to share about this journey because the role anxiety plays in it and advocate for those suffering from this all consuming disease.

I wanted to be vulnerable to help others know that if you have anxiety you are not alone, you are not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you. There are so many medical reasons to be feeling out of sorts, have mood irregularities, tension and anxiety and that is why it is so important to go and speak to your doctor. Do not feel ashamed at all - ask for tests and discuss things like imbalances of iron, magnesium, and yes thyroid.

For the last year I was driving myself crazy because every day I would wake up and be like okay today I am not going to feel anxious. I am blessed, I have so much to be grateful for, I have to just stop and enjoy it and then by midday I would be even more anxious because I couldn’t stop feeling the way I was feeling. It was a vicious cycle that just made everything feel worse. You don’t have to battle head to head with anxiety. It is a sign that something is going on with you and you should really listen. Please seek help and reach out if anxiety is taking over your life.

There are so many things going through my head right now about all of this and I am in just the beginning phases of working this all out but I wanted to share this experience and keep you all posted for a few important t reasons.

1 I wanted to give my followers, friends and family a small explanation of why I have been acting so distant and unlike myself lately. I truly have fallen into an overwhelming place with anxiety that is caused by thyroid imbalance. My hope is I can get on top of this and find balance but also that putting it out there maybe I can connect with other people going through this and not feel so alone.

2 I want to share this diagnosis to help others by being vulnerable about something that has really controlled my life for over a year and also really scares me about what this means for my life. I want other people that are having anxiety to know that they are not crazy and they are not alone. So many of us suffer from anxiety and there are real medical reasons to explain it. Do not be ashamed to go to your doctor and if your results seem normal and the anxiety gets worse keep going back you deserve to get to the bottom of it.

3 I want to try and be as positive as possible through all of this because it does explain a lot and I know the universe has a purpose. Although there are not a lot of holistic options to deal with this I am going to do everything I can to support my precious body and avoid too much medical intervention.

4 I want to advocate for the thyroid and autoimmune community. Spread awareness about these very common disorders so maybe some of you can prevent the diseases in the first place or if you are diagnosed you can live as vibrant as a life as possible. There are so many things you can do to alleviate symptoms and feel better and of course I will be deep diving into all of that moving forward.

If you are still reading this I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sharing such personal experiences is never easy and I appreciate your support always. This was a long post but I hope you see why I decided to share this and I hope it explains to my community the new direction this platform is taking.

I will be sharing as much as I can about this journey and whatever I learn along that way and I will not stop until I feel like myself again.

With love - C